I knew it was going to be a bad flight the moment I saw the woman sitting next to me. She was HUGE! How on earth was I going to travel comfortably with her sitting there? As she buckled her seat belt, her elbow jabbed at me.
“Watch it!” I yelled angrily.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she cried. “Please excuse me…”
“Excuse you?” I asked mockingly. “Or excuse the 3,000 doughnuts you ate to get to that size?” She gasped in shock. She looked pretty young, with a sweet, weak face. It only encouraged me to sneer, “Lady, when you travel you need to book TWO seats!”
Her eyes filled with tears, but I was on a roll. I noticed her clothes were cheap and old-fashioned; her shoes were very worn. “I guess your whole budget goes on nachos and hot dogs, right? So you can’t afford two seats? Next time pass the hat, I’m sure your fellow passengers will be generous!”
She turned to the window, and in the reflection, I saw tears running down her cheeks. “Listen,” I said. “I have a friend who runs a clinic in Mexico. I’m sure he’d give you a liposuction mucho cheapo!”
Sobs shook her shoulders by the time I felt repaid for the discomfort of being squeezed in next to her soft bulk. When the attendant came with the drinks cart, I asked for a Martini. “Shaken, not stirred!” I told her in my best James Bond voice. “I don’t know what Moby Dick here will drink…”
The attendant pressed her lips together and threw me a disapproving glance. “Ma’am, would you like anything to drink?” she asked the woman.
“Yes please, a diet Coke.”
I scoffed. “Don’t you think it’s a bit late for a diet Coke?” They both ignored me, but I felt a little glow realizing I’d upset them.
I lay back, sipping my Martini while she sipped her Coke. Soon, the attendant brought dinner. She set a tray in front of me and another in front of my neighbor. “Are you sure that will be enough?” I asked. “Because I think it would take a village to feed this lady!”
The attendant ignored me again. “That was rude of her, wasn’t it?” I asked the woman. “I think I’ll complain about her.” She ignored me too. I was sipping the last of my wine when the flight attendant came back, all smiles.
“Excuse me,” she said. “The captain is a huge fan, and he’d love to invite you up to the cockpit?”
I was startled, then realized she was talking to the big woman next to me. She was blushing and nodding. I had to get up to let her by. I sat back down, mentally composing rants to send to management about the service.
Then the captain’s voice came over the speakers: “Ladies and gentlemen. We have a celebrity among us! If you are fans of ‘I Love Opera’ like me, you will recognize the voice!”
A lovely voice filled the cabin, singing a famous aria. The passengers started clapping excitedly. “That’s right!” the captain said. “It’s the lovely Miss Allison Jones, and she’s flying with us to do a charity concert for world hunger!”
The plane erupted into applause. I cringed. The flight attendant came over. “Listen up, buster,” she said coldly. “I don’t care how many millions you have, if you upset that girl again, I’m putting you in economy.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“It’s not me you have to apologize to!”
A while later, Allison Jones was back, signing autographs. I jumped to my feet to let her take her seat. “Listen,” I said with my most charming smile. “I’m sorry if I was a little rude, I had no idea who you were!”
Allison turned to me. She had the most beautiful eyes. “It doesn’t matter who I am. You shouldn’t treat people like that, EVER! And besides, you’re not sorry. Would you even be apologizing if I wasn’t semi-famous? You know, I can’t help my weight, but you can change your attitude. Stop judging people.”
I shut my mouth and sank into my seat. I didn’t say another word until we landed.
