When your adult child brings a partner home full-time, should you carry the whole burden as a mother, or is it fair to set limits? Our reader faced this dilemma, and her choice sparked conflict—and left her unsure if she went too far. She never expected the hidden truth that followed.
I really need some advice on my situation. It’s tough for me, and my head is spinning from thinking about it every single minute.
I’ve been raising my son alone since he was 5. He’s 22 now, and his girlfriend, Mia, started staying here full-time. At first, I tried to be fair. But bills were rising, and I felt like a hotel manager.
I told him, “If she’s going to live here, she needs to pay something.” He looked at me strangely. Then he quietly said, “No, Mom… Didn’t she tell you that she is pregnant? So, it’s you who needs to figure things out.”
Everything froze inside me. Mia had been hiding the pregnancy. I was furious and shocked at the same time. I told my son I couldn’t believe he didn’t say anything sooner and that it was unfair to put this all on me.
I asked him if he planned on helping with the financial burden, too, considering he was already an adult. He got defensive and said I was being unreasonable and that I should be supportive, as he needs to prepare for his new role.
I ended up giving them an ultimatum: either Mia contributes or she needs to move out. My son got upset and said I was making things harder for him, but I stuck to my decision. He asked for some time so they could decide what to do, and it feels like I’m a villain now. Should I have approached this more gently?
And here are our suggestions.
Define what you can realistically afford.
- List all your fixed costs, be it rent, utilities, groceries, transportation, medication, or any recurring expenses.
- Identify what spending has increased because of them. How much more food is used weekly with two extra people? Notice if electricity/water bills are higher since they moved in. Do you have to buy other household items like cleaning supplies, and toiletries, more often?
Shift the full responsibility for contributing money to your son. He’s 22, not a child.
- Decide what you will and won’t cover. You can state: “I can cover my original share, but the extra $160 must come from you.”
- If they refuse, stress that you cannot fund a growing family on your own. They are 2 adults who are going to have a baby soon, and it’s their responsibility to make sure they’re financially safe, not yours.
- If they stay temporarily, set a fixed period (for example, six months after the baby is born) with set terms: contribution, chores, and expected move-out date.
- She can plan meals, cook, and manage shopping lists so you spend less time and money on takeout or poorly planned shopping.
- She can also handle other routine errands like cleaning, organizing home supplies, paying bills, etc.
All in all, don’t let guilt override. Being “supportive” doesn’t mean carrying the full financial load. Instead, offer support in ways that don’t compromise your stability: occasional childcare help, advice, or anything you feel comfortable with.
